Saturday, July 22, 2006
The Sword & the Sorcerer (1982)
If you watched Excalibur (1981) and The Beastmaster (1982) back to back, then went to bed and had a nightmare, the nightmare would sync with The Sword and the Sorcerer. Titus Cromwell (B-movie prince Richard Lynch, employing his finest Brooklyn accent) raises the demon Xusia to help him conquer all the lands and get all the ladies. It more or less works, excepting a couple of escaped heirs belonging to one of the newly-decapitated kings (ye olde proverbial twins, sister Alana + brother Mikah). Years later, Mikah and Alana stir up rebellion against Cromwell, who somehow still hasn't quite gotten his act together, maybe because he double-crossed Xusia before all the land deeds were signed? A dude named Talon, clad in furs and sporting a manly man's half-shave (achieved with his triple-bladed sword, methinks) arrives with band of ruffians in tow; he strikes a deal to help the royal twins, so long as he can bed down Alana when the job is done. She agrees. Hunh. Anyway, there's requisite banner-swinging across dining halls, uninspired swordplay, and finally a sewer-rat attack. Talon's humongous triblade weapon seems to have no interesting legend behind it (two of the blades are spring-loaded and require no aim to hit their targets... they also magically reload); perhaps designed for a line of action figures that never materialized. Not quite as bad as the Ator movies, but close. A sequel (promised at the end of the credits) never materialized, thank god.