Sunday, June 11, 2006

Creepozoids (1987)

Stupid combination of Alien (1979), It's Alive (1974), and a bottle of NyQuil. Reset your watches: it's 1999 and post-nuclear apocalypse time. Five army deserters -- garbed in trendy 80's-chic uniforms supplied, undoubtedly, by the Gap -- seek shelter from the radioactive rain in a deserted military facility comprised entirely of endless corridors and supply closets. Linnea Quigley (also an associate producer) has a nude shower/sex scene, and then the monsters arrive. The main beast looks like Lou Ferrigno wearing a giant ant mask; he sprays black gunk that makes people melt/explode into puddles of Koogle. (Remember that stuff? Mixture of peanut butter and jelly, came in different flavors. What they're using here appears to be Blackberry.) There's also a mutant chihuahua-sized rat with yellow fangs that stick straight out, so he's always hungry and trying to bite. Eventually, porn star Ashlyn Gere (billed as "Kim McKamy") turns into one of those angry, violent zombies from Evil Dead (1981). Then a man-eating baby shows up. Why? You got me. Something to do with weapons-grade amino acids, if I heard the one exposition scene correctly. And that's why you should eat your wheat germ, kiddies. Director David DeCoteau confuses cinematic suspense with long shots of nothing that take place in the dark. Creepocrap.

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